But it's not like Marvel didn't think about it. You just knew it was crawling around in their racist minds. After all, Jean could just think stuff. Ooooooh! Storm...she can do some serious shit! In the back of their minds, they always wondered: What if Storm had the power of Phoenix? Such questions can only be answered by consulting What If? #79 from November 95. Lucky for them they had a comic where they could explore their racial desires. Not everyone has that outlet.
It's the close of the 20th Century, and the Storm Phoenix has brought about world peace (And no one told us?). Many in the Marvel universe fought her and her quest for racial equality, but the biggots were all frozen in blocks of ice (Including Captain America...who has this great "Why does this always happen?" look on his face. Storm Phoenix is not without a sense of humor). So how did ther Storm Phoenix do this (The world peace thing, not the freezing your ass off deal)? Simple. She made everyone in the world give up their material possessions (Oh good. I felt there wasn't enough religious intolerance to go with the racism. Take that Buddha!). However, some refused, and went underground. But the Storm Phoenix is understanding, some men just want to be assholes (Well...all men want to be assholes, really). She comes to a peaceful agreement with the rebels. They can go underground and jerk off while we live all peaceful like up here.
Lest you think this comic is all filled with biggotry and hate and intolerance for your fellow man, there's a caring, warm envioromental issue here as well: Hunting whales is bad. A topic previously explored in Tiny Toon Adventures and Animaniacs. So Marvel ain't breaking fresh ground here, but their heart is in the right place. At least on this stance. She's questioned by one of her disciples, an old man who's not quite sure why hunting whales is bad, on her position. Why must the rebels be punished just because they want to kill a whale? Why must that be the issue that breaks the truce? Bad move...see, Light Storm Phoenix and Dark Storm Phoenix share the same body (Like Ben and Glory. Or crap and crap). And you don't want to piss her off or question her ways. If you do her costume gets black (See how they dance around the whole race issue...clothes can't be racist!) and she blasts your nuts off. Dark Storm Phoenix has become known as the Hurricane...geez, all Jean did when her mind went kerflooey was change her costume from green to red and get an adjective put in front of her name. Here, they upgrade Storm by three categories. The Hurricane takes out her wrath on the Whalers (Ah I see....it's a hockey metaphor) and with her evil blowing, kills the whalers, their friends, their families, their children....and in a surprise cameo...Hobbes!
Poor guy never saw it coming. This greatly upsets one of Storm Phoenix'x deciples, Kitty Pryde (Guess she gave up on that whole Jewish thing....thanks Marvel. We went a few pages without hating religion). She questions why she has chosen to worship such a destructive force (And why she and Storm appear in so many lesbian fanfics). An elder tells her a story (Oh crap...she let the old guy talk) of how Storm Phoenix came to power. How she was once a plain normal girl (Who also happened to control weather and was worshipped as a Goddess...but that's neither here nor there). She left Africa to learn the secrets of the X-Men. And for a kickass spaghetti sauce recipe. Returning home from a mission, Jean Grey is stricken while piloting their plane. Storm says by manipulating the atmosphere she can use the wind to glide the plane to safety. All she has to do is communicate with the sun in it's native language. Wolverine gets pissed at Storm and all her "Swahili mumbo jumbo" (See? When I say it's racist, it's a joke...but Wolvie, impressionable kids are reading this issue!). but it's too late, she's taken the controls. The plane plummets into the ocean (Nice going) killing all on board (Npw that's just depressing). Except Wolverine (Hey...Marvel's gotta sell the issue after all). And Storm....who emerges from the water calling herself the Phoenix. She walks on water (This comic is making making fun of itself too easy) back to Africa. Her charge to protect the X-Men failed. And her quest to find a spaghetti sauce recipe...incomplete.
The elder contacts Wolverine, who leads a team of whale hating rebels, about taking down the power hungry Storm Phoenix. Wolvie travels the seas in a whale shaped submarine (.....OK, I got nothing for that) to evade capture. He and the BLACK Panther begin their mission by searching the wreckage of the old X-Men plane for clues. They find Storm's body wrapped in a cocoon. The rebels-which now include Nick Fury and Dr. Doom (So now Marvel's giving us anti-one eye soldier and anti-evil dictator propeganda?) rush to wake her. They need the real Storm to put an end to the suffering in Africa (Or at the very least, Bono). However, Doom and Fury are unsure of the plan. One Storm's bad enough, do they really need two? (I smell sitcom!)
They fail to wake Storm, but all is not lost. Kitty phases into Storm's body (Um....in front of....uh, Storm?) and awakens her from witihin. Meanwhile, Hurricane Storm has gone level 5. She senses the betrayel and starts freezing the traitors left and right. She even kills Northstar....which says way more about this comic's hatred than I'm comfortable with. Kitty-Storm uses this oppurtunity to make her grand entrance...and Wolverine uses this comically misleading scene to strat the final battle. "In America we have a saying...Live Free or Die" (They also have that saying in New Hampshire. I bet Wolvie stole it from us...asshat.). The comic ends with both Storms dead...the world a safer place to be a whale-hunting asshole while jerking off in. What a happy story!
Unless you like whales. And black people. And God.
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