Williy Lumpkin on the 1s and 2s, ya'll!

It seems everywhere you go these days, people are talking about the Fantastic Four.

Mostly, it's who gave these assholes a movie...let alone two? Okay, 3....but that's neither here nor there.

Yet while executives try to convince us that 57 million proves that FF is a legitimate box office force and absolutly none of that money is from horny guys looking atJessica Alba's tits, I can't help but think that this is a hollow victory for Marvel. Comic book movies have become an obligation to see just like they were in the mid 90s. Only this time there are no nipples on the costumes (Sorry, Jessica Alba fans). Hey, even the biggest franchises have caved into the obligation department...how else do you explain Dark Phoenix, the black costume, and the fucking Joker...again. Blah...I just realized if we got more Daredevil movies, we'd be going through that whole Fall From Grace thing. Yikes......but as obligated they feel to make these movies, you feel obligated to encourage them, and that leads to more B and C listers getting in on the action. Hey, Silver Surfer's neat...to a poin, but give Marvel credit...no way can that shiny schmuck carry his own movie. But don't think they didn't think about it first. But let's face it: Silver Surfer: Rise of Stilt Man....just doesn't ring a bell. Heh...rise of stilt man......


Shit.....I went on a tangent. I blame Reed Richards. And why not? What kind of douchebag, oh I don't know....takes his girlfriend and her brother and his best friend into space? Yeah...I see how that won't totally come back to bite him in the ass. That my friends, is the very definition of my new word which completly wasn't just an innocent typo, Jonx. If your teacher ever asks you to use Jonx in a sentence, you have my permission to use "Reed Richards totally jonxed up the lives of three innocent bystanders."


A while back, I brought you a Silver Surfer centric issue of Marvel's "Remix" line....one of 1,999,984 lines they've cancelled just months after it began (I counted). You know one of two things happens when the Surfer's around: 1, you know a planet's gonna die (Thanks movie commercial...I kinda figured that one out already) and 2, the FF can't be far behind. So of course, we got an FF remix title.

And so, that brings us to Fantastic Four Remix #1 from January 1999. Let's hope it's a real remix, and not one of those "Rapper does unrelated freestyle over part of the song" remixes. Hey pal...that's not a remix...in fact, it's pretty much the audio equivelant of fanfic. And that's just sad, really.

We begin with the Inhumans planning an attack on the....uh....humans, I guess. Not as dramatic as Duff/Lohan, but whatever, ok. The youngest Inhuman, Crystal steals a tv. She uses it to show her fellow Inhumans the intelligence and sincerity of humans. And as proof, she puts on an episode of the Fantastic Four....I didn't even know they had their own show. Personally, I would've gone with a Beavis & Butthead rerun, but oh well...anyway, Crystal announces our cast of characters and immediatly gets flustered when she gets to the Human Torch....slow your roll, Crystal....Inhumans don't play that. The FF are currebtly fighting Namor. Enjoy him, because he's only in one panel. And.....he's gone. Reed flies by in that flying sardine can abd saves the day. He wanted to negotiate with Namor, but the Human Torch and Thing had to fight him, and now he's all pissy. I'm the leader....blah blah blah...someone needs to just smack him. Hard. Johnny goes off to drown himself in a sea of groupies because he's sick of Reed's crap. It's also because he really likes boobies. But that's another story. Rejected, Crystal turns the show off and curls up with Lockjaw. No, she doesn't have Lockjaw, I mean her dog who looks like a bif pile of dogshit with a dog's face drawn on it. There's something very disturbing about girls cuddling up with big piles of shit. Suddenly a fight breaks out among her fellow Inhumans over the Black Bolt and his recent comatose status (What is this? Guiding Light?). This is what happens when Inhumans stop being polite, and start being real. Medusa accuses Maximus if becoming corrupt with power. Medusa's hope is she can get these "superheroes" ro help dethrone Maximus. Crystal offers to help as she's the most human Inhuman, but just as she's about to start, Medusa smacks her. With her hair. Which I have to imagine must be just embarassing more than anything else. Medusa runs off into the night, and Maximus issues a death sentence to her and anyone bringing toys into the town. Oh, and anyone plotting against him too.

One thing about the FF that seperates them for the rest is they know how to party. They do it up right. As the FF mingle with superhero groups that outsell them constantly, Johnny continues to be all pissy. and flies off. His loss....Storm was just about to jump out of a cake. He gets called away from his booty calls and drag racing by a jonesin' for a fight Sandman, The Wizard, and Paste Pot Pete....by the way....what is a paste-pot? Now, in 1999 you'd think that everyone is aware of anything that sounds slightly dirty. You'd think Marvel would catch something like this, but ladies and gentlemen....I give you Sandman "Th' Little Punk Won't Be So Cocky When He's Chokin' on My Salty Knuckles". Huh. Well. So anyway, they call themselves The Frightful Four (Real original, huh?). Of course, there's only three of them.....or so that cocky punk thinks! Hair suddenly stops wrapping around his legs (This is what you get when you don't clean the drain after your shower). Man...did she get to Earth fast...she didn't even need interdimensional fork head dog shit thing. Not only that, but she already hooked up with some dudes and formed a club If only real girls were like this, am I right guys? Maximus is watching a broadcast of this (They must have a really good satellite dish) and isn't too happy. Crystal hears this and revives Black Bolt, but he's still severly weakened. She props him up and displays him like some Inhuman Weekend at Bernie's, and she convinces the other Inhumans to go to Earth to get to Medusa before Maximus does. They all place their hands on the giant dog shit pile and head off to Earth.

The Inhumans walk the streets of New York, confused at their surroundings. At one poin, a homeless man approaches them. They think it's shameful that humans don't look out for their own...hey listen you green or hairy or dog shit pile lookin, or fork wearing freaks....I don't need political commentary from YOU. You're the ones under the rule of a tyrannical despot......hey, maybe you are fit for political commentary on us.....They find a newspaper, that tells them Medusa's still on the large, while the other three dudes are already caught....yeah, that went well. That's what you get for hooking up with a guy named Paste Pot. The Inhumans split up to find her, but not before bitching at Crystal to get her to stay put...I see they already got the comics "Now you stay here" protocol down. Crystal puts on a skimpy nightie...unfortunatly for her, skimpy nighties lure horny young superheroes who are out lookin' to get some. And if you ever find yourself in the Marvel Universe, that means your gonna get a face full of Torch! (Ewww........that sentence came out wrong.....)

And that's where we end....with a young girl about to get raped. Or saved. Or both. Probably both. This was a 3 part story, and honestly, I don't even know if the title lasted 3 issues. But anyhoo....Marvel concludes the comic by summing up the original storie through use of reprinted panels and covers. The big highlight here is we now see why Namor's so pissed.....he was in two panels back then. Damn human opressiveness.