Great Hera!

According to my research, my blog appeals mostly to the very prized demographic of video game playing, spider driving, white devils that enjoy genital mutilation and engage in pulp villiany. Because I need to keep my audience and the vast advertising dollars it attracts, I have been contractually obligated to read another comic book. I protested to the CEO of Crappyass Blogs Inc. I reminded him that absolutly no one likes these, and that my blog posts would be better served containing the rantings of the voices in my head, but he threatened to fire me, and publicly flog me. Oh boy, did he want to publicly flog me. Since I happen to like my ass, I've since reconsidered, and have decided to read another comic book that should have never been published. I wholeheartedly apoligize.....those voices in my head posts would've been entertaining. One of them's been telling me that that dancing sillhoutted guy in that one banner ad is going to come out of the screen and steal my mother's spaghetti sauce recipe.


And to sweeten the pot, today we have a comic that's safe for the kiddies and this post will be safe for the kiddies (Um...ignore that stuff I said about flogging and genital mutilation I said earlier). Actually, it won't be safe for the kiddies. But this comic does take place in the DC Animated Universe.


ADVENTURES IN THE DC UNIVERSE #12 (March 98)


This issue features the JLA, not to be confused with the Justice League. I was never able to determine the difference, but this issue makes it entirely clear. In the JLA, Green Lantern's white and Wonder Woman's flat. We begin with a plane in distress (Must be a JetBlue flight). As it's about to land, two planes get into it's airspace (Damn traffic jams). Superman, Martian Manhunter, and Green Lantern )still white) come to save the day. They each grab a hold of a plane and guide it to safety. GL even puns that he has a plane to catch...further proof that superhero punning must be left to professionals. The flight crew is clueless as to what happened (Ah...it's Logan Airport). Superman signs autographs for the crew while Martian Manhunter continues to do the real work and investigate. He finds it odd that he, Supes and GL were just visiting Flash when all this happened. I'm more concerned with the fact that GL's punning and Supes is signing autographs than a typical comic book coincedence myself.

We cut to underwater, and any good DC fan knows what that means. We get to make fun of Aquaman! Aquaman, who appears here with his badass, long hair and scraggly beard, harpoon for a hand phase (He truly is the David Bowie of superheroes) is investigating a sub from some fake breakaway republic of the Soviet Union when they launch their nuclear missles. Aquaman tries to jam the tubes to prevent the missles from....wow, that sounded wrong. I apoligize to everyone reading. At least I didn't make any seaman jokes. Oh shit. Anyhoo, missles are headed for Moscow, Tokyo, Cairo, and Gateway City (Oh those wacky breakaway republics) and the team disperses to prevent whatever would happen if those missles reach their destination. Martian Manhunter and Wonder Woman (still flat) are successful, but GL fails to intercept the missle in time. Oh he gets to it....it's just this missle was pregnant and has just given birth to cute widdle baby missles (WTF?). The JLA manage to prevent this new minor inconvenience and head home. Aquaman stays behind to take care of the crew..or maybe he's just covering up the fact they didn't invite him to go back with them. Nobody likes smelly long haired harpoon handed guys.


The breakaway republic radios the JLA. They were just following strict launch orders (That's what they all say). But the orders did not come from their commie buddies (Or Worf's kid from that Star Trek: TNG comic I read). Instead, the orders came from the villian Cipher! Cipher, who's guarding his identity by talking over a shot of his logo that for some reason looks like a cross between a Transformers chest emblem and that talking carton of fries thing from that Aqua Teen whatever show (Ahh....so I was right! It is a terrorist attack on Boston!) declares himself as Earth's new master and broadcasts his transmission over the world. Perry White sees this broadcast and wonders where Kent is. It's not everyday McDonalds advertises their fries by commanding you worship them as your lord and saviour. He demands the surrender of the JLA. If they refuse, he'll fire more missiles and destroy the world. Some new leader, he's already planning the destruction of the world before he takes it over. The network president demands the JLA's sureender for the sake of mankind (And demands Wonder Woman get some boobs and strips...it's sweeps month). The JLA agrees (Or Superman agrees for them) that their only choice is to surrender. They head down to Cipher's headquarters and turn in their weapons. Except for GL, he hides his ring (Presumably in his underwear with his Green Lantern Corps) and gives the guards a fake.. Each are led to individual cells. Martian Manhunter telepathically links the prisoners up and they plot their escape (Geez...they could've at least waited until Cipher revealed the next part of his plan. *pfft* Heroes...). MM turns invisible. While the guards are distracted, GL does his ring thing and unlcoks Flash's cell. Flash runs out and opens the rest of the doors. A bit complicated don't you think? I mean if GL can unlock one door, why can't he do them all? I chalk it up to laziness. Cipher is actually pleased with this development. He felt his new plan was lacking entertainment value. I know the feeling. I've watched Son of the Mask.


Cipher's guards try to stop the prisoners. They shoot Superman in the chest with a kryptonite ray. But he survives and takes the guards out. Oh, it was Martian Manhunter disguised as Supes...that trick never gets old! They stop the missiles just in time, but Cipher escapes in a rocket. Or so he thinks. The JLA intercept the rocket so they can find out just who Cipher is (Wow...it's turning into Scooby Doo). It's old man McKinney...the CEO of the Network...and he would've gotten away with it if not for the medlling JLoh wait....that was a diversion. It's really his business associate using a holographic image to frame his boss. He tries to get away but the real McKinney shows up. The JLA think they won, but Cipher has one more surprise. He used McKinney's fortune to bankroll his whole Cipher side project. McKinney is bankrupt. And this has what to do with the JLA again? Next time, Cipher needs to construct his plans better...and get a better logo.



Being a kiddie comic (Filled with good wholesome kid safe stuff like nuclear missiles and averted airline disasters), there's more ads than actual story (Kids are made of money after all). The two most interesting being a giant, flying Shaq hawking basketball cards The smile tells you he's getting paid handsomly for this. In normal circumstances, he'd just go shoving the pack of cards down a kids throat. The other is an ad reminding us to catch Batman & Robin, all month on Pay Per View! I hope a lot of people remembered to watch it. After all, Bill Klein of NBC TV called it "The best Batman ever!". And when has Bill Klein of NBC TV ever lied to you? If you didn't watch it, you're just making him look bad.