The Dark Knight Blows Chunks

Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns.


Often considered a classic, not just of comic literature, but actual legitimate-like literature. Some say it's a benchmark, the start of a new age in comic book history. Maybe even the western civilization. It's take on a grim, gritty, old Batman coming out of retirement for one last romp around Gotham City can't be lauded enough. There's nothing about it you can say that hasn't been said already.






Well, there is one thing.
























It sucks hairy monkey testicle.






Seriously. It's been a long time since I've read DKR. I cracked it open today and I was shocked. What was once an exciting story just feels kind of meh and tame. Maybe it's because we're jaded after seeing the years of negative influence left in it's wake. I don't know. Well, a special episode of Mickery Reads is in store, and I promise you, you'll be as disillusioned as I am.



We start with DKR #1. Gotham City has been invaded by an evil super-intelligent monkey (Aren't they all?). The monkey hungers for the destruction of Batman...and a pizza. He places a call to the local pizzaria but he dials the wrong number and gets through to Batman's private line (Commisioner Gordon really needs to stop giving that number out). Or so we're led to believe. It's all part of the monkey's plan. He calls Batman back, disguising his voice as Comissioner Gordon, and informs Batman of a crisis at the local Big G Supermarket (As well as a sale on pork roast). With Batman sidetracked, the monkey goes to work robbing the bank. Batman looks for the invisible monster destroying the market, but all he finds is half-off coupons for Shake and Bake (Really now....how does he know there's not an invisible monster?). After the monkey tricks Batman again, Bats has had enough...he realizes that Gordon's feeble mind has snapped and it's time to put him in a rest home. He goes to visit Gordon, and Gordon informs him that he made no such phone calls. While this is going on, there's another problem: the evil monkey has recieved a death ray, but he needs batteries. He places another prank call informing Batman of a giant tarantula attacking the pier. Robin doesn't want to go, she's scared of spiders. But Bats ain't falling for it, he's figured out the evil monkey has called him to distract him while he gets batteries (He ain't the world's greatest detective for nothing). Batman heads down to the local Radio Shack and finds the monkey. He clobbers the monkey in the head with giant batteries and the monkey is brought to Arkham Asylum

That was a pretty bad issue, but it gets worse. In DKR 2, the monkey has escaped. And he's in heat. He heads down to GothamDate, the leading video dating service in Gotham City. He films a video, but the company rejects it, because of their biggoted views towards talking evil monkeys. Batman and Robin are sitting around in Stately Wayne Manor making paper dolls. Robin decides it's high time Alfred gets some. Back at his lair, the evil monkey has a solution to his problems. He's going to build the perfect woman. While all this is going on, a storm has gripped Gotham Park. And coincedentally, the evil monkey's lair (Don't you hate it when that happens?). Bats rushes to the scene but it's too late. The evil monkey's creation is born. But she's got a mind of her own. She aqueezes her new boyfriend so tight, it kills him. Batman, using his ice breath (WTF?), freezes the girl monkey and she shatters to pieces. The near death evil monkey, with his last breath, cries out his love's name. The whole incident convinces Robin not to pressure Alfred into finding a fly ho. Funny, I always thought Alfred was shacking up with Aunt Harriet.

So you might be saying to yourself after these first two issues, where's the Joker? After all, his participation in DKR results in one of the most famous scenes in comic history. He's coming.....in DKR 3, Batman faces a new threat. The Joker, now a mad scientist bent on world domination, as well as showing up his rival. The Joker has fallen in love with the female Robin (After all, she's stauatorylicious!). He shrinks himself down and flies a spaceship into her body. However, it has an unfortunate side effect. It's made Robin super-hyper. It's also royally fucked with Robin's brain. She's down in the Batcave and as she's talking to Batman, her brain keeps switching between her own and Joker's. Batman goes into Robin's body to take care of Joker once and for all. Batman and the Joker are attacked by Robin's white blood cells. Batman uses this diversion to hop on Mini-Joker's ship. He gets inside, wrestles the Joker out, and the Joker snaps his neck, framing Batman for murder. What's worse is Robin has to shit both them out later.

As you all know, the stunning conclusion features the final fight between Batman and Suoerman. But what you may not know is that DKR 4 also features the introduction of Superman's little sister.. Batman gets a trophy from the Vigilante Awards for his murder of the Joker, and Bats wacks Supes in the head with the award. The fight is on. This only serves to enrage Supes, a tool of government opression (Or maybe just a tool), because he loves trophies (Just like Bono). He enlists his sister to help destroy Bats once and for all. Together, they develop Feeb Seeking Missiles to take Bats out. However, because of a miscalculation, the missle is heading straight for Robin instead. Supes goes to stop it, he may be a tool, but he's not gonna hit a girl. He suceeds in turning the missle around, but now it's headed toward the Fortress of Solitude. Supes blows up. The end.

So you see, the hype surrounding these comics is overblown. I mean, Frank Miller couldn't even come up with an ending! What happens to Batman? Does Alfred get laid? When does Robin realize she's a lesbian? I don't know. Maybe I grabbed the sequel by mistake. I heard it really blows