DAWN VS BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dawn hating is at an all time high! So is bear hating!


What happens when the two collide?



Well, I've already told you. Dawn wins. She doesn't get mauled, she doesn't get clawed to death, she doesn't even end up in a cave with a family of bears sucking pacifiers in a cute little homage to Call of the Simpsons,


But take this moment, if you will, to imagine a world where Bear squashes Dawn. I truly believe if Bear won this epic battle that no one demanded (But we could only hope for), the troops would come home, Ben Folds next album won't be as much of a letdown as Songs For Silverman, and the Critic would have gotten half the DVD sales as it's bastard offspring Family Guy. Old people would walk the streets at all hours of the day, cheese would be half price, and I would update my blog more often. Alas, one can only dream.


Which is why the writer of Buffy the Vampire Slayer #55 blew it. He didn't just let me down, he let the world down. Shame on you Paul Lee. A curse on you and your children. May you be saddled with a daughter who is a big green ball of energy that cuts herself and falls down a lot.

At the beginning of the issue, we're told this story takes place before BTVS's first season. Which technically means it didn't happen. So am I reading this comic? Am I really here? Are the Red Sox really holding the best record in baseball???? This is messed up. Paul Lee, I'll have your headf for this!!!!!! Unless....DEAR GOD! Is Paul Lee real????? That cunning bastard!!!

Peer pressure is the #1 danger facing our youth today. Unless you count internet predators or standing to close to the microwave....but pretend it is. Take Matthew for instance. He's obviously gotten in with the wrong crowd, because he's seeing demons in his mirror and he's letting them possess his Pooh dolls with ancient spirits to kill something called a Slayer. I just thank God this never happened to Christopher Robbin. He'd have an unstoppable army of killing machines at his command! Geez....we've already seen Tigger has a personal agenda. We don't need to involve the forces of Hell on top of it!

Buffy's on the run. And can you blame her, really? Would you want to appear in a Dawn-centric issue of your own comic book? Dawn goes to play a video game (On an NES! Cause it's all a flashback and stuff!). She beats the boss and the doorbell rings. It's Matthew, and he wants to give her his package (Hey now....she's like 6!). Through a case of HILARIOUS mistaken identity, Matthew is led into thinking Dawn's the Slayer. It's the evil Pooh bear...his bloodlust and honeylust reflected in his eyes....it's Heffalump and Woozle hunting season BITCH!!! Dawn has a tea party with all her stuffed animals (Including Buffy's stuffed pig....filthy klepto!). She even starts to think he can come to life! She brings him to show and tell. A mean kid picks on her and tries to take the bear (the bear....THE BEAR!!!), but her teacher saves the day and takes Pooh away until the end of the day. When Dawn goes to get him, he's nowhere to be found. He's come alive, and mauls the mean kid (Ah....kindergarten mutilation. Thanks, comic). Meanwhile, mirror demon tells Matthew he screwed up. He was supposed to give his package to another girl (Hopefully older).


What's worse, is this unstoppable demonic killing machine has.....developed a crush on Dawn (Hey dumb bear, he said Crush her...not crush on her! Stupid evil minions. I blame Dawn for this...curse her and her non existant 6 year old feminine wiles...ladies and gentlemen, that has to be the creepiest sentence I've ever written). When Joyce refuses to buy her a toy, Dawn's new boyfiend breaks into a toy store and takes care of it (And takes care of a few toy store employees while he's at it). Matthew comes to correct his mistake, Oh Matthew....the bear is one of Her now. Goodbye Matthew. I'll miss your girly Satanic cloak and your cannon fodder motivations. As Dawn finds her bear, she's attacked by vampires (In case you forgot what you were reading). But they should know better to screw with a bear in heat! Bear make puny vampires run away!

Dawn gets home only to find her parents very angry at her. Why with all these animal attacks that have suddenly hit the neighborhood, it just isn't safe anymore (Yeah, like animal attacks are the worst thing to worry about in the neighborhood). Dawn gets mad and storms off to her room. Pooh knows what to do.....no one hurts his Dawny! He goes downstairs to teach Dawn's parents a lesson! But this isn't what Dawn wanted! She just wanted to be loved by her magical talking demonic bear who has the vocabulary of Bane in Batman & Robin. The parents are about to get mauled when Dawn stops her naughty bear! She calls him stupid (Bitch). Why the poor guy's so hurt, he starts pulling out his stuffing! Look at that...Dawn drove him to suicide!

Now that this chapter of her life's been revealed, I think we know why Dawn is the way she is. Driving a stuffed bear to commit suicide must weigh heavily on one's soul. Or at least if you were programmed to have it weigh heavily on your soul, it would weigh heavily on your soul.

OK, class dismissed. Except for you, Paul Lee. You know what you did.