Homeboys in Outer Space!

It's been a while since I checked in on the Trek (As the kids say). It's also been a while since I tagged a post with "Bumpy Taints". Something's gotta give people, and it's giving way right now....


I've got me a copy of Star Trek: Voyager #6 from April 97 (Back when Marvel aquired the Trek license just so they could put them in an X-Men comic and really fuck with everyone) and I'm not afraid to use it.


Gotta say....this cover's making me feel really uncomfortable.....


Through her captain's log (which let's be honest here, shouldn't it be a diary?), Janeway explains that the crew is getting cranky. They're out of supplies, they're running out of fuel, they haven't touched down on land in months...and that's just because UPN cut the budget already. A fight breaks out between Kim and Paris over who has the girliest last name. At one poin, Paris threatens that Kim will be "spitting teeth". In space, no one can hear lame comebacks. The chef tattles on them (Unannounced dameo by Platypus Man, I assume) and both are sent to the brig. Janeway scolds them (Oh you know they both totally want a spanking) and Tuvok calls their actions "highly illogical" (Hey waitaminnit.....). They're sentenced to stay in the brig until the next time the ship lands. Oh snap! Janeway went total Cliff making Rudy and Vanessa stay in the basement on their ass!

Lucky for them, a Class M planet (M standing for Moesha, I guess) appears on the viewscreen. The planet appears to be uninhabited (Really....don't they all at first? You think after 5 shows and a million movies, they'd learn by now...), but Neelix (Who looks like Tick villian Pineapple Pokopo with a mullet) warns them of a sacred order that kinda sorta accidentally blew themselves up and every planet in the Denar solar system. Oops. Unfortunatly for him, talking pineapples are overruled on Voyager, and an Away Team is formed to investigate the surface. It's a National League planet, so the Away Team better prepare for playing without a DH.

In the brig, Kim and Paris are still going at it (Remember, that may sound kind of hot, but they're dudes...). They lunge at eachother, and oops, they both get shocked by a forcefield placed between them. Didn't see that one coming, did you, smartasses?

Oh...at this poin, I need to issue a disclaimer to the Mickery Files Horny Nerdy Guy Demographic...this was P7O9 (pre- Seven of Nine) so I'm afraid you'll all have to go to other blogs where they read old comics and make fun of them to fulfill your sick fantasies. Me, I never really saw much in her, so I'm ok.


They reach the planet and touch down to explore. At first things seem calm and peaceful, but then (My God...there's a but then?) a lion attacks. Yep. A lion. Oh sure, it's some screwed up looking mutant space lion, but it's a lion. I guess all the big monstery alien creatures were too busy attacking the homeboys in outer space. An alien named Bonai (French pronunciation for Boner) introduces himself. Whawhawha??? The planet was supposed to have no life on it! Well that's easy...Boner's dead. Boner wants Janeway to meet with him in private. He poins and the rest of the crew immediatly appear back on the ship.

So who is Boner, and what does he want with Captain Janeway? To hell if I know...this be one of those To be continued stories. So if you wanna find out what happens, pick up...oh who the hell am I kidding.....


This issue left me pondering a bigger question than who is Boner. Why, of all people who buy advertising space in comics, is Oreck buying ad space in this comic? These are comic fans...and Trekkies on top of that.....they've never even heard of a vacuum!