Spiderman, in the study, with the lead pipe

Yes. Your eyes do not deceive you. The Mickery Files has a shinny new look. Because I was bored. So enjoy. Also enjoy this:

It's that time again, boys and girls.

Time to count all our toes?


Time to put diapers on all our household pets?


Nope! It's time once again, for the Mickery Files to visit the wonderful world of What If.


Today's issue of What If (Well, if today was April 1995....which it's not....) ponders the ponderable quizzary, what if Spiderman became a murderer? DEAR GOD MAN! That's insane! Blasphomy! I condemn this issue to Hell for all eternity to rot with copies of Barbie Fashion! I can't believe they even have the balls to ask that! Why...asking if Spiderman became a murderer is like....asking if Superman became a murderer!


The cover informs us that this issue features the lethal Lizard (Not to be confused with the Leaping Lizard), otherwise known as Doc Conners, or Sleeping Doc Conners, who kicks more ass than can possibly be kicked by any previous sleeping sleeping scientist who transforms himself into a rampaging monster. Yeah, you heard me, sleeping Doc Jekyll.

We begin with an old, wrinkled Peter Parker in jail. He asks himself "What if?" (Which Marvel has kindly bolded and italicized for us who don't get the joke). What's prompted the question (As well as a meta reference so bad it would make the Simpsons blush) is Peter is flashing back to the DAY HIS LIFE CHANGED FOREVER! Well....THE OTHER DAY HIS LIFE CHANGED FOREVER actually. See? Remember when Uncle Ben got shot? Yeah...well this time, Spiderman finds the guy and beats the living shit out of him. With great power comes great ass kickings! Spidey's cornered by the police, and he makes a clean getaway. The next morning, Peter goes into a whiny internal monologue (Nice to see those still exist in wackyworld) about whether he should turn himself in He's worried if he goes to prison, the strain would be too much on Aunt May and she'd drop dead (And this is a problem>). Peter goes for a walk and he passes a newstand selling copies of the Daily Bugle with Spidey's picture plastered all over it declaring him a murderer (That damn J. Jo..oh, he's right...nevermind). He passes a jewelery shop that's being robbed. This looks like a job for....well oh yeah....he kinda can't right now. He needs a disguise, and quick, and he comes up with a brilliant solution: He steals a homeless guy's hat. Yeah, I'd be fooled. He goes in to save the day, but he quickly realizes his powers are useless to him when he's trying to hide his identity (Under the nifty hat). The jewel thieves make quick work of him and escape with the goods.

The next day at scool, Peter's out of it. Flash Thompson (fastest man alive) takes this oppurtunity to play a prank. He sprays Peter with.....material.




Unfortunatly for Flash, Peter doesn't like getting sprayed by mysterious fluids (No means no, Flash), and he freaks out. Peter says that all the torment he's gotten from Flash over the years has made him do this, but we all know the truth. Not only is he a murderer, but Spidey is also homophobic. AND HE HAS A TASTE FOR HUMAN BLOOD! Peter runs out of the classroom before he can finish Flash. Hey, he knows how bad those hate crime laws can get.


The next day, there's a hostage situation at the school. So it's a Tuesday. But instead of the usual dumbass goth kids in trench coats, they're being held hostage by Sandman (Making his thrilling second Mickery Files appearance!). Peter knows he has no choice (Dude...you're a murderer....just let it go. Really. What's a schoolroom full of innocents on your concious?). But if he got his ass handed to him by street thugs, what chance does he have against the dude from Wings? He makes up his mind: consequences be damned, Spidey has to save the day. He crashes through the window-and immediatly goes right through Sandman. In case Spidey was wondering why they call him Sandman. The fight spills out into the street, and Sandman's getting the upper hand. At one poin, reporters swirl Spidey (Can't you see he's a little busy at the moment?). One asks him if the rumors are true, if he and Sandman are partners (Oooh...she shouldn't have went there). This question disgusts Spidey so much, it distracts him long enough for Sandman to close in for the kill. Flash shows up (What's he doing there? Oh right, Flash Thompson...nevermind) with a hose (Sandman's fatal weakness!) and turns Sandman to Mudman. He's worshipped as a hero, and Spidey gets so depressed, he quits. For the 60,005th time. I really can't blame Sandman. After all, wouldn't you be pissed that Lizard gets co-billing and he hasn't done anything by this poin?

Peter gets a job as a research assistant at Doctor Conners' lab. (Finally). Doc has been working on an experiment to grow a new arm (He's also been devloping a new drum set, just in case). He succeeds and starts a;; eureka-ing, but just as quickly as his new arm grew, he begins to get all green and scaly and just not very pleasant to look at at all, thank you very much. He rampages and runs to the sewers. Peter gets undepressed and unquits. Spiderman looks for him in the sewer. Lizard finds him and shoves his head down in the poopy water. As Spidey starts to dorwn he has another internal monologue. Aunt May! Mary Ja...oh wait, she's not there yet. Well Spidey contemplates giving up and giving in to his BLOODLUST, but he realizes Uncle Ben would never forgive him for that. He must win...without the murder this time (Oh that's no fun). He takes a deep breath (In the poopy water? EWWWW!), reaches back, and grabs the Lizard antidote. Lizard changes back. After saving Conners (And forgetting that the antidote is only temporary and has to be reinjected every once in a while...but that's neither here nor there), Spidey turns himself in. He gets five years for manslaughter (He must have a really good lawyer) and gets out after two years for good Spidey behavior. Aunt May is waiting for him, and instead of being shocked she's still alive (Great. More wheatcakes. Thanks God), he gives her a big Spideyhug, and she gives him his costume (Uh oh....was she using it? Was she Spider-May? I'm a little disturbed by this). Spidey swings off into the night....


I'm pissed. I wanted Spidey to get the Spideychair. This is the worst ending since Torrk's video project petered out a video early.


Excelsior!