9 people have visited the Mickery Files in the last 3 months

I'd like to invite all you loyal Mickeyholics to a party.

And since 8 of those people were me, I won't have much of a mess to clean up afterwards! Hooray internets!

Best. Telemarketer. EVER!

(Well besides Hector from MCI)


Today I got a phone call from a telemarketer. The caller ID says...


Satellite News!


I don't know....maybe it was really them....I'm a weird hermit that never answers the goddamned phone anyway.......

Pikachu (If he were a jelly bean)

I'm gonna make a mint on eBay!

Happy March From Rindge NH!

My blog may be lame

But at least I remember my goddamn anniversary!


Celebrate with two awkward pictures of me in a tux! WOO!!!!!!!!!'

Good night, Sara

1997-2008

A Quick Update of Quick Importance

For those of you who have been worried about yours truly and the developments over here:


-We have done a tremendous job cutting corners and saving money while my mother is jobless. We've cancelled our premium movie channels, switched to a lower cost (And less retarded) ISP (If you're so inclined to email me, my AOL address is still active. Or you can just find my bazillion other web addresses), and my stepfather got a job last week for the first time in a year and a half. (Definitely looking forward to the day we're a two income family again....now to get myself a job too....going on 4 and a half years now)



-My niece has begun to see a therapist. A Crazy Cow Therapist perhaps?

-I'm freezing my balls off.

And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

The Mysterious Adventures of Young Mickery

As you are well aware, productivity of this blog has been well behind that of young, hungry newcomer Tork 110. I don't know if I can possibly remedy this situation, but I'll attempt to post at a more regular rate. Look, here comes a post now!


Since nobody likes my comic book posts, what better way to do this then a post that everyone enjoys: Awkward photos! Yay! Here are some pictures of the younger, more innocent me. I have more on my computer that I'm posting now, so maybe there'll be a sequel to this post in the future, but this is what I feel like posting now, and you just have to accept that. Or you're not my real friend.

************************



I find it odd that there are several pictures of me at the drums, yet I can't play a thing
****************




Damn, I'm handsome

****************



I'd make a curtains/drapes joke, but seriously, I'm like 6 here.

*******************

And there you have it. Now leave me the hell alone until next time.

Worst. Scarecrow. EVER!

This is why I hate Halloween.

Well, besides my being too old to trick or treat, my niece's refusal to part with Skittles and Bottlecaps (I do get my Sweet Tarts and my Starburst, but what gives? I mean, really!), or the fact that the Simpsons Halloween episodes haven't been good since....well ever IMO.


It's crap like this (Well at least this year....)





Ladies and gentlemen, the world's worst scarecrow.....










See? I was going for dancing Jonathan Papelbon.....and I got this.


What the hell is your problem, non dancing Jonathan Papelbon? You're too fat here, you're too skinny there, you're head's either too big or too small to put the goggles on, you look drunk and you have to be propped up, he has breasts......I hate you, non dancing Jonathan Papelbon scarecrow! Where the hell do you get off in reminding me of my suckiness in areas of creativity? Go to Hell non dancing Jonathan Papelbon scarecrow!!!!!!!


Look at him....he's mocking me.....with those shorts I still wear and the only pillowcase in this house that gets that nice and cold feeling when it's been a whole day since I've slept that I like oh so much. I never wear that shirt because it's kind of femmy and all, but still....not only does he suck, but he's a thief!

Mr. Gardener's Fancy New Vagina

I'm a guy. I like guy things. Er.....I mean I like guy things....not guy things.....ah shit, I already screwed this up. Start over!


I'm a guy. I like sports and boobs and steak. Sure I'm a nerdy guy, but the basic guy ingediants are there.



But since 2005, I'm officially recognized as a chick in the great state of New Hampshire. Yep. It's real....and it's spectacular! On my state ID, I'm listed as a female. Why? No clue....maybe it was because it was 3 minutes to closing time and the DMV was packed. Maybe because my manboobs were particularly droopy that day. Maybe Ashton Kutcher was running the machine and thought it'd make a good Punk'D episode. Who knows? All I know is, I'm a girl (Actually, I'm a GRRL, thankyewverymuch).


So besides getting me funny looks at job interviews (And supposedly making me a lesbian), what does this card mean? It doesn't give me the ability to legally use their bathrooms. It doesn't even give me any discounts on anything (Not that I suppose it would....I just figured you got a membership card for something, you get secret cool discounts on stuff). It's useless.


I have a question for the girls in the audience. I gotta ask you, woman to woman, how do you girls do it? I mean let's face it. Guys? It's pretty nasty down there. I mean yeah, I know you got nasty stuff going on down there too, but honestly, penises....WTF?

Penises WTF? indeed.........

This Is Not a Movie Review and there are no spoilers

I mentioned on my board yesterday that yesterday I saw the Simpsons movie. As I said, it had it's rough patches, but overall ot was pretty good and fun. I'd put it in the 'tween seasons (In 'tween 'tween seasons, if you will) in terms of goodness.

Believe it ot not, this was the first time I had been in a movie theater in 17 years. Back then, we didn't have no computer animated turtles, we had to make do with goofy costumes and Corey Feldman, and we liked it!

Back then, the theater I went to see the Simpsons movie in was a toy store. The store I bought my Sega Genesis in and tourettes' sufferers were free to yell SEGA! at the drop of a hat.


Back then, I could never watch trailers. See, when I was three, we went to see E.T., and the trailer for Creepshow came on and it, well, creeped me out. It scarred me for life. Future movie nights would have me waiting in the lobby until the movie started.


I'm proud to say this habit had evaporated during my movie hiatus, but it tried my patience during the Alvin & The Chipmunks trailer....scariest thing I've seen all year (By the way, if Jason Lee's star turns in Underdog & Alvin & the Chipmunks aren't the best argument against Scientology ever, I've yet to hear a better one). Another thing I noticed in the trailers, apparantly Franz Ferdinand's Do You Want To is now appearing in EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE.

Yes, I was wearing my Mr. Sparkle shirt, so I'm sure I got a few giggles at my geekdom. However, for the record, I'd like to say it was a gift, and that anyone giving me shit about such matters should charge my pal Onil with geek aiding and abetting. It's not the victimless crime it appears to be.

We went to an early showing, so the theater was practically empty and it rocked. The 5 of us (Me, my mother, my stepfather, my niece and her friend) were spread around the theater. Which was pretty cool to not have an 11 year old shrieking in my ear. Yep, I even put my feet up on the seat in front of me. I even contemplated taking my shoes off (Hey, it was a pretty clean theater)-but then realized it was a theater in Fitchburg, Massachusetts....a town whose name you can't spell without FU. As soon as I walked out of the theater, I heard a siren. Ah...the official Fitchburg city song.

So yeah....while most people are reviewing the movie, I'm reviewing going to a movie. I'm nutty like that.

Spiderman, in the study, with the lead pipe

Yes. Your eyes do not deceive you. The Mickery Files has a shinny new look. Because I was bored. So enjoy. Also enjoy this:

It's that time again, boys and girls.

Time to count all our toes?


Time to put diapers on all our household pets?


Nope! It's time once again, for the Mickery Files to visit the wonderful world of What If.


Today's issue of What If (Well, if today was April 1995....which it's not....) ponders the ponderable quizzary, what if Spiderman became a murderer? DEAR GOD MAN! That's insane! Blasphomy! I condemn this issue to Hell for all eternity to rot with copies of Barbie Fashion! I can't believe they even have the balls to ask that! Why...asking if Spiderman became a murderer is like....asking if Superman became a murderer!


The cover informs us that this issue features the lethal Lizard (Not to be confused with the Leaping Lizard), otherwise known as Doc Conners, or Sleeping Doc Conners, who kicks more ass than can possibly be kicked by any previous sleeping sleeping scientist who transforms himself into a rampaging monster. Yeah, you heard me, sleeping Doc Jekyll.

We begin with an old, wrinkled Peter Parker in jail. He asks himself "What if?" (Which Marvel has kindly bolded and italicized for us who don't get the joke). What's prompted the question (As well as a meta reference so bad it would make the Simpsons blush) is Peter is flashing back to the DAY HIS LIFE CHANGED FOREVER! Well....THE OTHER DAY HIS LIFE CHANGED FOREVER actually. See? Remember when Uncle Ben got shot? Yeah...well this time, Spiderman finds the guy and beats the living shit out of him. With great power comes great ass kickings! Spidey's cornered by the police, and he makes a clean getaway. The next morning, Peter goes into a whiny internal monologue (Nice to see those still exist in wackyworld) about whether he should turn himself in He's worried if he goes to prison, the strain would be too much on Aunt May and she'd drop dead (And this is a problem>). Peter goes for a walk and he passes a newstand selling copies of the Daily Bugle with Spidey's picture plastered all over it declaring him a murderer (That damn J. Jo..oh, he's right...nevermind). He passes a jewelery shop that's being robbed. This looks like a job for....well oh yeah....he kinda can't right now. He needs a disguise, and quick, and he comes up with a brilliant solution: He steals a homeless guy's hat. Yeah, I'd be fooled. He goes in to save the day, but he quickly realizes his powers are useless to him when he's trying to hide his identity (Under the nifty hat). The jewel thieves make quick work of him and escape with the goods.

The next day at scool, Peter's out of it. Flash Thompson (fastest man alive) takes this oppurtunity to play a prank. He sprays Peter with.....material.




Unfortunatly for Flash, Peter doesn't like getting sprayed by mysterious fluids (No means no, Flash), and he freaks out. Peter says that all the torment he's gotten from Flash over the years has made him do this, but we all know the truth. Not only is he a murderer, but Spidey is also homophobic. AND HE HAS A TASTE FOR HUMAN BLOOD! Peter runs out of the classroom before he can finish Flash. Hey, he knows how bad those hate crime laws can get.


The next day, there's a hostage situation at the school. So it's a Tuesday. But instead of the usual dumbass goth kids in trench coats, they're being held hostage by Sandman (Making his thrilling second Mickery Files appearance!). Peter knows he has no choice (Dude...you're a murderer....just let it go. Really. What's a schoolroom full of innocents on your concious?). But if he got his ass handed to him by street thugs, what chance does he have against the dude from Wings? He makes up his mind: consequences be damned, Spidey has to save the day. He crashes through the window-and immediatly goes right through Sandman. In case Spidey was wondering why they call him Sandman. The fight spills out into the street, and Sandman's getting the upper hand. At one poin, reporters swirl Spidey (Can't you see he's a little busy at the moment?). One asks him if the rumors are true, if he and Sandman are partners (Oooh...she shouldn't have went there). This question disgusts Spidey so much, it distracts him long enough for Sandman to close in for the kill. Flash shows up (What's he doing there? Oh right, Flash Thompson...nevermind) with a hose (Sandman's fatal weakness!) and turns Sandman to Mudman. He's worshipped as a hero, and Spidey gets so depressed, he quits. For the 60,005th time. I really can't blame Sandman. After all, wouldn't you be pissed that Lizard gets co-billing and he hasn't done anything by this poin?

Peter gets a job as a research assistant at Doctor Conners' lab. (Finally). Doc has been working on an experiment to grow a new arm (He's also been devloping a new drum set, just in case). He succeeds and starts a;; eureka-ing, but just as quickly as his new arm grew, he begins to get all green and scaly and just not very pleasant to look at at all, thank you very much. He rampages and runs to the sewers. Peter gets undepressed and unquits. Spiderman looks for him in the sewer. Lizard finds him and shoves his head down in the poopy water. As Spidey starts to dorwn he has another internal monologue. Aunt May! Mary Ja...oh wait, she's not there yet. Well Spidey contemplates giving up and giving in to his BLOODLUST, but he realizes Uncle Ben would never forgive him for that. He must win...without the murder this time (Oh that's no fun). He takes a deep breath (In the poopy water? EWWWW!), reaches back, and grabs the Lizard antidote. Lizard changes back. After saving Conners (And forgetting that the antidote is only temporary and has to be reinjected every once in a while...but that's neither here nor there), Spidey turns himself in. He gets five years for manslaughter (He must have a really good lawyer) and gets out after two years for good Spidey behavior. Aunt May is waiting for him, and instead of being shocked she's still alive (Great. More wheatcakes. Thanks God), he gives her a big Spideyhug, and she gives him his costume (Uh oh....was she using it? Was she Spider-May? I'm a little disturbed by this). Spidey swings off into the night....


I'm pissed. I wanted Spidey to get the Spideychair. This is the worst ending since Torrk's video project petered out a video early.


Excelsior!

Bitch, bitch, bitch.....

So, Mickery, what's new with you? We haven't seen you hanging around the interweb lately, what's goin' down?


Yeah....thanks for asking....


Anyhoo, since you asked, here's the dilly-o


Saturday night, I burned myself pretty bad. In the mouth (On FOOD....get your heads out of the gutter....) It left a scar on the roof of my mouth and it's made it pretty hard to swallow. Well on top of that, I got a cold, and neither of those have seen fit to leave me in the last few days.

So, instead of getting pretty graphic here, I'll let you draw your own conclusions about the shit happening in my mouth the last few days (AGAIN.....keep it clean, people). I haven't been able to get any decent sleep the last few days because of this, and earlier tonight, I had a splitting headache the likes of which I never knew even existed Combine that with my niece and her friend cranking up the upstairs 5.1 system, and you can imagine, I wasn't a happy guy tonight.

The Minnery Files

Here's a pic of me in my cross-dressing phase.





Hey, it was the 80s....we were all stoned or wanted to be Boy George or something....

Aminal Farm!

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! Who doesn't wuv cute huggable squeezable aminals????


This post is for all you aminal luvers!!! (Er...not the tasty kind on your plate, the cute kind.)




*psst( Brak? Yeah.....that gate's not for you....

You know, this kind of looks like the same security system they have at Logan Airport. Am I right, people? Thanks, I'll be here all week....




FIGHT! FIGHT!!!!!

This picture is a lot funnier if you imagine Bitch! and Slut! said about 100 times before this happened...try it.



Here's Lulu P. Hamster leaving for work....there was also a pretty cool moment with her standing on the balcony of the dollhouse addressing her people, but the bitch wouldn't stay there long enough for me to get a pic. Lulu recently passed away after a remarkably long (for a hamster) life. Let's all pour a bottle (With one of those metal sippy straw things) of water on the curb in her memory.



And now for no discernable reason, here's Tigger and my toilet. Enjoy!




There's these two ducks that show up in our yard every day at 5 to eat leftover bird seed. They're nowhere as cool as the duck that crashed in our yard for a couple weeks after Hurricane Bob in 91. Up yours, ducks!



I love it when chicks hang around me looking for a piece of bass.




Peace, love and don't mess, yo.

This Week in BALLS!!!!! (5/10/07)

-Roger Clemens announced his return to the Yankees this week, announcing it during the seventh inning stretch during Sunday's game. This segment replaces the usual fatass that appears in the seventh inning stretch at Yankee Stadium, but somehow came off as less patriotic and more a desperate plea for help.


-The Golden State Warriors pulled off a surprising upset of the #1 seeded Dallas Mavericks in the NBA playoffs. This was attributed to the fact that Mavericks owner Mark Cuban could not locate a "Golden State" on his map of the U.S. It's been suggested that the Mavericks are also not Maverick enough. They'll attempt to remedy this situation during the offseason by signing that MAVERICK, Dr. House.


-Curt Schilling, who's already spent part of this season embroiled in a controversy about 3 year old dirty laundry, criticized slugger Barry Bonds. He later apologized for his comments saying "I'm just saying what everyone is thinking." Barry Bonds response, issued through a publicist, "BARRY SMAAAASH. WHY NOT PUNY HUMANS LEAVE BARRY ALONE?"

-Teaser commercials for Madden 08 began appearing during last week's NFL Draft. The game once again adds exciting new features, including mandatory drug tests for the players at home and a free cup with purchase. This year's game comes with a free Vince Young voodoo doll on the cover. LaDanian Tomlinson was asked to appear on the cover, but declined due to his being kind of a pussy. Devin Hester will become the first player in Madden history to have an attribute of a perfect 1000. That attribute being the ability to change the face of the Super Bowl for about 3 seconds.

_This week in hockey....well who the hell cares? But everyone does care about the 1985 Fitchburg Massachusetts street hockey Maxim Marauders and their star player, one MickeyTGardener.



Mickey was once traded during a game to the other team because they were shorthanded and in the 85 season, never scored, setting an early precedent for his life.


That has been This Week in BALLS! Tune in next week and see if I give enough of a rats ass to make this kind of post again.

My humps

I should be blogging about that tool Roger Clemens, but today, I've decided that my anger should be directed at another prominent and somewhat beloved fatass.






Me.




My niece has taken to calling me fat at every oppurtunity. And yesterday, indignity of indignities, when I went to get groceries in the back of a truck, the truck very audibally tipped. very funny.


Well, I'm not fat, thank you very much! I have a gut. I have love handles. But I'm not far. Certainly not to a poin where it's dangerous to me, and I'm not huffing and puffing every time I walk or lift up heavy objects (Like *ahem* my niece).


Could I stand to lose a few? Sure, we all could! But I sure as hell ain't going on a diet (The day I have to eat less will be a dark day and I weep for anyone who dares to be involved). And it's not like where I live is ideal for getting excersise regularly.


So anyhoo, I'm not fat. But if I were fat, this is what I would look like:





You know what the most pathetic thing about this pic is? Not how much in bad shape I'm in, not the cheap Simpsons knockoff tshirt, not even the purple pants. It's the fact that even without magnifying the pic, I can tell the card I'm holding is a 93 Score Select baseball. WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE????????

Odds and Ends 4/29/07

-Well, it's official, I will be moving. Which means for the next week and a half, I will smell like Murphy's oil soap, and hopefully post more wacky retrospectives. More news on my move as events warrant....more posts about Warrant as events further....

-Randy Moss a Patriot? Hot damn, but that Bill Simmons article saying the Pats weren't the Yankees is looking really, really bad right now. (Patriots also drafted a guy named Justise....that's just weird...)

-Speaking of the Yanks....Start spreading the news.....the Yankees really fucking blow....dudes....when we say Yankees Suck, it doesn't mean you guys need to take it literally.

-I heard Take Out the Trash,,,one of the TMBG/Dust Brothers joints from their upcoming album The Else....it's cool, it's funky, it's danceable...I give it an 8.6. .I think I'm gonna like this collaboration.

-Also hitting an internet near you last week was Icky Thump, the White Stripes' new single (From the upcoming album of the same name). It's got a good old school Stripes feel to it, which means it's loud, it takes forever to get to the poin, and casual fans will HATE it. Good stuff....


_yep. I didn't have anything to post.

Crisis in my left ear, Day 1

It's happened.



For much of the early part of the decade, every time I would buy a pair of headphones, it would die within a year. 4 years ago it ended. I bought a pair of headphones and they've survived every trial I've thrown at them. Stepping on wires. Dropping them. And....um...I guess that's pretty much it.


Well after four years, my headphones, have started suffering from Left Phone Erectwire Dysfunction©. It's nothing to laugh at. It's the #1 cause of Headphone Related Problems in this country alone. Do you have any idea what it's like watching Colbert and having the sound drop out every few seconds? While I'm sure he doesn't.....he can't fit headphones over that big ass floppy ear of his.


This could be a major struggle going forward with this disabled pair of headphones. This could go far, far into the future. Perhaps even as far as Sunday. I don't know how I'll last. It's going to be tough, but I'll brave it out.

Further updates as events warrant

Wally History Month Essay #1: Wally

My essay is about Wally, the stuffed dog that lives in my room.


Wally was born in 1986. Or 1985. Or 1987. Mickery has had Wally since the mid 80s.

Wally was part of the Wrinkles line of stuffed dogs. Wrinkles were notable for being the only girly toy line of boy dolls that weren't ruined by the Chucky movies.

Wally has a hole in the back of his neck where you can perform puppetry. Or hide your pot. Sometime in the mid 80s, a local Massachusetts jam band, that Mickery was on the road with (Or rather happened to be in the car with) grabbed Wally and made him sing an amusing song about a skanky woman. Wally released the record on Rounder, but it was pulled from stores after a lawsuit from the company that made Wrinkles. Copies on Ebay fetch upwards of two dollars and 74 cents.

Wally is a party animal, the likes of which have not been seen since Spuds McKenzie's hayday. Here he is in the mid 90s backastage at a Supergrass show.



These days, Wally is still around and kicking enjoyiog his old age. Last year, Mickery purchased a beanie of Wally the Green Monster, ambiguous and gelatinous mascot of the Boston Red Sox. The two Wallys eye each other suspiciously, and Mickery suspects, when he leaves the room, get into sissy slapfights that only two stuffed animals can pull off.